In the opinion of this journalist, a gruesome poison is currently coursing through the veins of our noble country. We have been infected with a strain of impurity, a strain of unnatural filth that has affected each and every one of us in some manner. I, myself, have succumbed to the overwhelming wave of disgrace; and I write today with the hopes of lying at least a few minds to rest.
I write today—also—on behalf of the entire homosexual population of this great nation. As there are not many of us—it was not difficult to assemble and reach an agreement surrounding the burden that we have placed on our beloved country.
First and foremost, let this be marked as our official and unrestrained apology for the way of life that we have chosen. We apologize especially to the church, whose God—though not necessarily our own—we have offended since the beginning of human history. Every religion in our country is guaranteed the right to practice freely, and our selfish desires need no longer impede or offend that inalienable right of yours.
We apologize further for the spread of our diseases of HIV and AIDS to the point where, in some countries, it has been labeled an epidemic. Our sexual exploits must have fallen so far out of hand; for we cannot so much as track the manner in which we have spread these diseases to the rest of the world and innocent population. However, we have determined that—within America, surely—the spread must have been caused by us and us alone. For solely by the intimate interactions of our community, and solely by the tainted meat-packing practices of our community, and solely by the infected needles of our community, could this evil have affected so vast a portion of the population, and so far away.
We also apologize that—despite all of this—our people and organizations continue to burden the government for the equal rights that all other minority groups in our motherland have been granted. We realize now that, because of the unnatural and grotesque nature of our relationships, it would be utterly unreasonable to expect the right to marry. How could we? We certainly are not capable of those so definitely human experiences of commitment and of pining and of love: qualities of a relationship that both the church and the state agree that marriage should be reserved for. It is unreasonable to believe that, even if we were familiar with the aforementioned phenomena, they could possibly be applied to someone of the same gender and sexual orientation. Nay, the church and the bible have declared that marriage is reserved for man and woman—as the state so appropriately reflected in its Defense of Marriage Act of 1996.
We realize now that it has always been justified in refusing us the privilege and sanctity of marriage. Our ungodly relationships, if sanctioned, could lead only to the likes of polygamy, bestiality, and pedophilia.
After finally being awakened to the public’s disapproval of our ways, we have resolved to change. The few of us have agreed to several points and terms that should, hopefully, lessen the severity of our burden upon our home nation.
First, we all agree that we should certainly not be allowed to adopt children. Living in a gay home would almost definitely impede the wellbeing of any of the millions of children waiting in orphanages in Africa and Eastern Europe. They are surely better off there—where they are likely provided more stability, food, comfort, and love than could ever be received under the evil influence of homosexuality.
Second, several of our figureheads have solemnly sworn to make every effort to retract
their influence on the nation and the world. We are working to undo the cultural effects of the gay Al Turner, who championed computer science; the lesbian Ma Rainey, heralded as the Mother of Blues; the homosexual Ellen DeGeneres, prominent and beloved talk-show host, CoverGirl, and actress: Leonardo Da Vinci, Elton John, Oscar Wilde, and the vast majority of men involved in the fashion and theatre industries. We aim to retract these efforts and offer our sincerest apologies.
Upon the conclusion of our assembly, the group of us was struck with the horrible extent that our influence has impacted our nation and our world. This way of life which we have so deliberately chosen—despite the social harassment, family tensions, community exile, and bouts of self-loathing that come so inevitably attached to it—is not justifiable by any involuntary compulsions as is alcoholism or drug addiction; nor is it justified by the bible as was the institution of slavery. Everyone of common sense tells us that homosexuality is nothing above morally and physiologically wrong. For our impedance of your religion, for our corruption of your youth, and for our overall tainting of your otherwise clean and holy civilization, we are sorry.
This is a satirical article and is intended to be read as such. It is not meant to be taken seriously. All sources and opinions are fabricated.